I Suppose This Was Always Going To Happen.

 Hi! Long time to see, huh? How you been? Work going ok? Are they letting you work from home?

So, you might be wondering where I've been for the last few months.

Well, if we're being honest...

In short, broad strokes, it's mostly the Covid-19. For the majority of the school year, our kids were doing distance learning at school. If you don't have kids (lucky you) they were staying home and doing their work on a school issued iPad.

We both had to change our work schedules to accommodate this. That meant I had to start going in to at 6am and leaving at 2:30pm, and she had to go to second shift, roughly 4pm to 12:30am. Which meant that I had the kids solo in the evenings, and the only time we were really together was on the weekends.

Those weekends grew to be too important for me to spend time on this blog, which has brought in six dollars in the almost three years I've been doing it. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy doing this, and I always knew I'd be coming back sooner or later.

Eventually school started up again, and we went back to our original work schedules complete with evenings together.

Everything was coming along swimmingly until last week when I had to have a physical exam done for my job.

My job at work is, among other things, to drive the route truck. To do that professionally you need a DOT certificate indicating that you passed a physical.

It seems the United States Department of Transportation has tightened up their requirements regarding sleep apnea and the Body Mass Index (BMI).

Guess who has two thumbs, an 18 inch neck, weighs 260 lbs. (118.5 kilos), and snores like a chainsaw?

How's it going?
Also, that's a shirt about cheese. Because of course it is.

The doc signed my certificate, dated it for six months, and then told me that if I didn't lose 30 pounds and/or get a sleep study done, he wouldn't sign it again.

Those things are supposed to be good for two years, under ideal conditions.

He recommends losing the weight by cranking way back on the carbs. Goody, huh?

That was really the only way that was going to happen, wasn't it?

Ok, fine. Time to pare off some of my awesomeness.

I told you some time ago that changes were coming to this blog. It appears the federal government has forced the issue.

So be it. I'm going to be changing things up a little.

But first, let's get something straight right now.

 One does not "go on a diet." The food one eats is one's diet. I'm going to change my diet. Semantic quibbles are the best kind.

Before you jump in with advice, please realize something. The words "keto," "paleo," "primitive eating," and the like do not arouse my curiosities. I'm not convinced these aren't fad diets, and I've yet to see a fad diet yield positive long term results.

My wife won't actually let me eat in the bathroom.

Also, anything labeled "diet" invariably tastes like crap. My grandmother used to swill Diet Pepsi like they were going to outlaw it tomorrow. Tasted awful when they sweetened it with saccharine, tastes awful with aspartame, and the sucralose version tastes like - lemme check my clipboard here - also crap.

I am going to be keeping a weather eye out for refined sugars, e.g. high fructose corn syrup. To that end I haven't drank soda in six days, and I'm unlikely to start up again today. Don't know what tomorrow's going to look like, though. 

By the way, how do I know I'm probably addicted to sugar and caffeine? I've had a dull headache for the last four days. 

Good thing I like my homebrew iced tea. Which, coincidentally, was the first thing I shared on this blog. 

Really, though, I know what the crux of the issue is. It's the snacks. I have to make better snacking choices, including but not limited to knowing the difference between hungry and bored. Eating my weight in granola bars from Aldi is not an altogether healthy habit to cultivate.

We've all been there.

Not that I'm pinning my weight on Aldi or anything they sell. I need to rethink my thinking about what goes into my mouth.

And therein lies the keystone of my current grand carriage. My relationship with the food I eat. What I'm eating, how much of it I eat, and why I'm eating it. I can understand why some people go to therapy for this.

Also water. I should definitely drink more water.

I will also be sharing what I've learned here. Don't know what that'll be yet. Maybe I'll just pop in now and then to complain and shake my fist at the sky. Y'know, like everyone else with a blog.

In any event, your fat guy is going to try to get a little less fat.

So, stay tuned. Stuff's going to happen. Mistakes will be made. Motivations will be forgotten. Frustration will be shared. Good food will be cooked and eaten.

But maybe not in such heroic amounts.

Today is Sunday, the fourteenth day of March in the year 2021. As of this afternoon I weigh 255 lbs. I want to be under 225 by Labor day. We will see.

To quote Rachel Maddow, watch this space.

Six-pack? Bah.
I GOT THE WHOLE KEG, BABY!