Short snort - in which a fat guy returns to his kitchen after a life changing event and makes hot sauce.

It's ok, be honest. You really didn't.

We bought a house a few months ago. So, we packed up the apartment, which included many cookbooks (I collect them), 1.8 cats (one is missing a leg), and a whole lotta stuff. Like, how did we manage to amass that much stuff in the ten years we lived there?

How, indeed.

So, like you do, we had ourselves a house warming party, complete with a make-your-own-taco bar that featured an earlier entry, barbecoa. Good stuff that.

Well, when I'm hosting a party, I tend to go a little nutsy with the food. Like, I'll make too much, or stuff that doesn't really work with the rest of the spread. This time I kept it a little better under control, but I still made something on the spur of the moment.

It worked!

And it only takes a minimum of two ingredients.

You might already have something like this bopping around the kitchen right now.

That's a can of Dr. Pepper and a can of chipotle peppers.

The method - put them in a small sauce pan over medium heat - take them out of the cans first, you goober - for about fifteen minutes. Longer if you want it to reduce.

Now, getting the peppers out of the can will involve a little shaking of an upside down open can, so be careful. Also, there will be stuff clinging to the inside of the can. That's easy to deal with, just rinse it out with the Dr. Pepper.

Jalapenos packed with a kind of smokey barbecue sauce, in case you were curious.

Or Coke, Pepsi, RC, store brand cola, whatever. I do not recommend using a diet soda, though. One of the things you want is for the sugars in the soda to caramelize. Aspartame doesn't do that. You'll get something hot, spicy, and medicinal tasting if you use diet. I bet sweet tea would taste pretty good, too.

Once you've got it where you want it (you tasted it, right?) you can salt to taste, and then strain into a small container. Let it sit for a few minutes so all the spicy yummy stuff drains out. You can pour into a squeeze bottle right now if you like, or you can put the stuff back into the pan, sans peppers that are in the strainer, and add a little cornstarch slurry. Potato starch will work just as well here, too, and cost about the same. One teaspoon of starch and one teaspoon of water. Mix them together in something small, like a coffee cup or a child size tumbler, something of that ilk. Once you have it all mixed with no clumps, pour your slurry into the pan and stir it in. Simmer for just long enough for the starches to gelatinize, which is to say for the hot sauce to thicken.

Also, it looks really honkin' cool when you're doing it.

A quick word about fond. Fond is the little bits of stuff that's left clinging to the pan. That stuff is made of pure flavor and you want it. So when you return the sauce to the pan, use your spoon to scrape all those little lumps of magic into your sauce.

This is the part of Flavor Town Guy Fieri won't take you to visit. Which is a shame, they have a thriving art community and some gorgeous parks.

Strain your sauce back into the container you had it in the first time, and pour it into a squeeze bottle. And yes, you should absolutely get a squeeze bottle. They're available at every grocery store I've been to and totally worth the dollar or so they cost to buy.

Your finished product.

There you have it. For the price of stuff you might already have laying around the house and about twenty minutes of staring at your stove, you have something to bring to taco day at work.

Here's my favorite part - this is just the base recipe. Dress it up however you like! Maybe throw some herbs in there. A little dijon mustard, or liquid smoke. A shot of honey would go really well. Maybe some molasses. Your kitchen, you get to pick.

One piece of advice: don't boil it. Boiling will knock out the flavors and only leave the heat behind. And if you wanted that, then you might as well just buy a bottle of the cheap stuff.

Y'know, if that's the kind of thing you like.

Application can include the aforementioned taco day, it's good on sloppy joes, on mac and cheese, pizza, whatever you like. Enjoy!

Don't put your knife in the dishwasher.