Not Duke's mayonnaise

This blog has no corporate sponsorship. All the money spent comes right out of pocket, or through private donations (ahem). So, if I mention a brand name, it's because it's something I actually use, e.g. Heinz Ketchup.

In that same vein, for the purposes of this blog I tend to eschew regional brands, including but not limited to Lift Bridge Beer or Dunn Brothers Coffee. I occasionally drink those, too, but I don't expect someone from North Carolina to have even heard of them.

But, we do live in the digital age, so regional brands don't necessarily stay regional, per se.

I guess what I'm stumbling towards is, have you tried Duke's mayonnaise yet? I sure haven't. Supposedly it's really good, as mayo goes. It uses no sugar, a little paprika, and apple cider vinegar.

It's also a standard condiment in the South. Legend has it if someone has Hellman's in their refrigerator they're not allowed to that year's cotillion. At least, that's the story I just totally made up.

Look, you...

So, let's make our own!

For our hardware we will need:

1. A whisk
2. A mixing bowl
3. Measuring cups and spoons
4. A storage container
5. A moist dish towel

Moist

Edibles needed include:

• One large egg
• One Tablespoon plus One Teaspoon of white vinegar
• Two teaspoons of apple cider vinegar
• 3/4 of a teaspoon of salt (I use kosher)
• a pinch of paprika (less than 1/8 teaspoon)
• One cup plus one tablespoon of vegetable oil.

Now, if you already know how to make mayo by hand, then you can tune right out now and get cracking.

My grandmother used to say that you can only make mayonnaise when the sun is out. This, of course, is not true, but she was being serious. To this day I have no idea what the sun has to do with anything. But, for Gramma, her mayo never came out right unless the sun was shining. Or so, at least, she said.

Anyways...

Begin by wrapping your moist dish towel around the base of your mixing bowl. This is to anchor it down and give you a stable receptacle for your work.

An important consideration when you're about to have no free hands.

Into your mixing bowl combine your egg, vinegars, paprika and salt. Thoroughly whisk together.

Once you get to this point I advise stretching your wrist and forearm a bit.

Now is the tricky bit. We'll be adding the oil, and we're whisking it in by hand. This will be actual work, so stretch your whisking hand and arm out before we get started. Seriously, this is going to take about five to eight minutes of constant, vigorous whisk work.

In an exquisitely careful and tightly controlled manner, pour your oil into the bowl with one hand, furiously whisking with the other. When you start, keep your rate of pour down to mere drops. The beginning of this process is where you'll have the most trouble and the most opportunities to screw it up. Go slow. Once you have about one quarter of a cup whisked in, you can speed up the pace to a thin stream, but you still mustn't go too fast or your emulsion won't, well, emulsify.

If it doesn't work, and you put too much oil in too fast, then congratulations! You're in the exclusive company of everyone else. Spoon as much oil out of the mixing bowl as possible and into your measuring cup and do it again. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, cat, practice.

A word on technique. I recommend you whisk in a back and forth lateral motion. This employs something called shear force. As your whisk travels in one direction, the liquids follow it. When it comes the other way it hits the liquids head on, which will break the oil drops and blobs into smaller drops and blobs that will hold the vinegar in place while not actually causing any separation.

You got that?

Wha?

Put it another way - whisk it hard back and forth and it'll mix better and won't break as quickly.

Like this. Do it like this.

You could absolutely use a hand mixer, stick blender, food processor or a host of other electric items for this, and they'll do just fine. Shouldn't have any effect on flavor, and it won't be as much work. I would like you to use the whisk for one simple reason - easier cleanup. You can't put a stick blender into the dishwasher, mixers can get separated from their beaters, and the food processor's blade should be washed by hand. The bowl and whisk, on the other hand, can just be popped right into the dishwasher.

As an added benefit, doing this by hand will help strengthen your whisking arm, wrist, and hand, and hone your motor skills. Also, it can be kinda fun. It's part of what the French call la vaillance.

There we have it. Don't confuse it with vanilla pudding.

Put your finished product into an airtight container and stow it in the fridge for up to one week. There are no preservatives in this, so I wouldn't trust it for any longer than that.

So, now that you have your faux Duke's mayo, what do you do with it? Everything you can do with not Dukes. You finished product will taste a little brighter, a little saltier, and not as sweet.

A couple parting thoughts for today. Yes, this is my second piece about mayonnaise. The first one was a more, let's say, traditional recipe and made with a stick blender. It's important to know more than one technique for some stuff. Also, there were whisks before there were food processors, and most folks did just fine. I advise against getting too hung up on appliances when a simple hand tool will do just fine.

OXO Good Grips 9" whisk. Available for $9.99 through OXO's website.
This is the one I use the most.

By the way, this stuff makes really good potato salad, tell you that for nothing.

Vaillance, my friends! Vaillance et courage! Et le miracle de Google Translate!

Go in peace, cook good food.

Epilogue - Yes, that's a picture of FNC talking head Tucker Carlson up there. And yes, even further up is Michelle Obama. I am not attempting to make any kind of statement at all by using those pics of those people. I did a Google image search on "blank stare" and "look, you" and those were the best I could find.

LAUGH, DAMMIT, IT'S FUNNY!